psycho vs strong subconscious mind

salam
                                                                                             

have u ever been thru a situation like this?:

you cannot recall doing something, at all. it's not that you forgot, it's totally something else. it's like you've never did the deed.i have.few days ago.many would not believe.and i don't mind.
and the story goes like this,

it's about a few dollars that a friend would like to lend to me.i refuse.she insist. still i refuse (nicely of course,but this is not the point here)so subconsciously i refuse or don't want the money.then she left that on my study desk.i noticed it.i even picked it and count it and i remember putting it back.on the desk.with the thought "ohh nantilah pk.nk guna ke x." deep inside i did refuse to take it.
and then it's the next morning.i remember about it.the few dollars on my desk.but it's gone. i try to look for it like crazy, here and there everywhere. i even speculate that maybe she took back the few dollars (i know how bad i was at that time and i'm truly sorry) and with other silly speculations like mybe the wind blew them off,or  maybe a thief got into my room and took them(even to this extent) but i never recalled that i gave back the few dollars. i was struck when she came and told me "sampai ati" me: "sampai ati ape?" she:"sampai ati pulangkan duit yg **** bagi" and me, with the expression of the-most-severe-terkejut-beruk-i've-ever-felt i said "sy pulangkan??"
---ok, the story ends here---

what's being my concern is how did this happened? i didnt bluff when i said that i cannot recalled doing such thing,getting the few notes from my room to hers. yet how did the few notes goes to her then? deeply deeply i try to think. and it freak me out when i come to this two possibilities, it's either:
a) my subconscious mind was so strong and so influencing the conscious mind that i happened to do that unintentionally, without any memory of doing it.
conscious mind says: just let the money there think later, vs subconsciously: i refuse to take any money from others.
b)i was a psycho, i did give back the money because subconsciously i refuse to keep it.and i distort reality.so i dont or cant remember doing it.

O_o

                                                                                                                                                                                           
and now, i still cant remember it,even a slightest bit of it.
what have happened to me???

kembar saya

salam
                                                                                                   


tiba-tiba teringat
dekat kembar sy
mungkin sebab dia yang sy paling susah nak jumpa
dan yang paling lama sy tak jumpa
rindu dia
kembar sy

                                                                                                   

kembar sy...@kindergarten
waktu tu sy 4 dia 5
dia nk masuk tadika, sy pon nk msk tadika. maklumla kembar sy.
waktu tu buat semua bende pon same-same. balek pegi sekolah pon same-same.
lari dari rumah pon same-same :D
lepas 2 tahun,sy 6 dia 7. dia kne masuk darjah 1. sy?
sy msk prasekolah.dekat sekolah same.

kembar sy...@secondary school
sy form 1,dia form 2.walopon dh menginjak dewasa,kami masih same-same. masih ke sekolah same-same.
ponteng sekolah sebab nk ke pekan pon same-same.of course terkantoi dengan mak pon same-same.
haha mmg dia kembar sy.
kalo jln dengan dia ke kelas, ade je org akan tanye
"eh eh kembar eh?"
eh? serupa ke ktrg ni? mula-mula jawab je " eh tak la.adik beradik"
tapi kalo dh mcm setiap kali je kne tanye soklan same, ktrg jawab je: " a ah kembar"
haha rindu saat itu.saat kami mmg seperti kembar,kemana saja mesti berdua. ;)

kembar sy...@highschool
sy ke PC, dia form 5.kat sekolah lama sy.
ktrg dh tak selalu buat apa-apa same-same. but the fact that she's kembar sy still not change.
kami kongsi cerita msg-msg.cerita dia di sekolah lama. cerita sy di PC.
semua kami kongsi,dari boyband fave sampai ke first crush puppy love.kekeke

kembar sy...
-birthday dia: 28 Jan.which is just several days after mine.oleh itu, kami salu la berkongsi bday cake yg same. and i always missing it.the moment that we shared.together.
-kembar sy..selalu dibuli.and i was the bully.walopon dia yg tua.tp dia selalu mengalah.dengan kembar dia,yg muda.hehe
-kembar sy..suka pakai skirt,rambut panjang.sgt kontra dengan kembar dia.
-kembar sy..dalam hati ada taman.kalo tgk movie touching sket,satu baldi air mata dia.kekeke

walopon kami bukan kembar original,
bg sy,dia tetap kembar sy...

:minta maaf,entri lalutan ini hanya kerana sy rindu kembar sy. hehe

energizer

salam.

                                                                                       

i love
the hot sun.

blinding
yet refreshing.

energizing















making my further steps
stronger
firmer

on this ground called life.

flashing images of captured memories

salam...


nothing much happen
and nothing much to say
just hope this dullness of life
didnt dragged me away
away from the Creator of me.
ameen ya Rabb...


------------


those images kept flashing 
too many times.
i dont know why...


i do miss the time so much though
the time when i was still a kid.
but i was big enough to remember how this life lived.


always has mother to tell stories of her friends
always has father to take her to the 'kedai kopi'.


always have sisters to go to school with 
riding the bicycle.smiling.full of happiness
always there were friends,waiting.to start a day of school together.


and when evening comes,there
she always with mother and father.
there,at their own yard,
yes,it's small but the green scenery of cultivated plants were so nice
so nice that she could always remember it.still remember it.still seeing it.


back at that time,
father was making the plant beds,
mother was planting the seeds,
and there she was watering them.with hopes that they will grow into big big trees.
so mother and father would be happy.and she will be happy.


when she got tired with watering plants,
she would go down a small stream. to cool down her hands and her feet
with the cold refreshing water from the stream.
there she would stay a while.
and there too, she would start her hobby.
to catch for the tiny shrimps.
using only the small shabby old sieved basin given by mother.
but the basin never stops her from trying to catch the shrimps,until she lie flat,fatigue all over.never giving up
because back then,that word almost never once crossed her naive,her innocent,little heart.
the heart that never saddens her up.
to her, everything was bright.


old paklong always like to tease,
'how many udang galah you got today,dont you want to give some to paklong?'
grinning with almost no teeth showed,peeking through the fronds of the coconut tree which he's been trying to get 'nira kelapa' from.
she can only reply with a big grin to old paklong,revealing her smile with a missing front tooth. 
and seeing the sweet smile of her only made old paklong's laughter got louder.merrier.




when the faded sun started to set, slowly
mother would call her name, for its the time to go home,
and she would run happily,hopping around between the beds of sprouts.
and the sky started to turn into double-colored gigantic roof.dusky red with smoke-like grey cloud along the horizon,while keeping the center of the roof still with dusky pale ocean blue.
together,riding side by side with mother,she went home.smiling
as if tiredness didnt affect her at all.still smiling.full of joy.
and she kept smiling.


------------


those images kept flowing through my mind these days.
so clear as if it just had happened yesterday.so vivid.so lively

lost

.
..
...
i was lost.
in despair.
o Allah,
don't let me be further away.
give me strength,
lead me the way.

mencari kekuatan demi ketenangan hati

...
..
.